05 December 2008

The Crazy Mommy Plan by A Certain 5-Year-Old Girl

Hey, kids! Are you tired of the same old, boring, work-a-day, even-keeled mom? Do you long for some excitement? Follow my technique, perfected over the course of five years, and you too will have your very own Crazy Mommy and you will certainly spice things up at your house!

Step 1: Be 5.

Step 2: While your mom is preparing a meal, claim to be the "starvingest child in the whole world". (I've found that this works best at dinner time.) It is important that you wait until she is actually in the act of cooking before you tell her you're hungry. Crawling around on the floor helps.

Step 3: Ask for a piece of candy. Repeatedly.

You:"Mom? Can I have a piece of candy?"

Mom: "No. I'm making dinner."
You: "Please? Just one little piece of candy?"
Mom: "No."
You: "How about now?"
Mom: "I said no."
You: "Now?"

Keep this up until your mom starts to count to 3. It is important that you stop asking at count 2 or else you'll wind up in Time Out on the stairs, which is no fun for everybody involved (especially you).

Step 4: At this point your mom may offer you a variety of healthy snack options. Turn them all down no matter how much you like these foods. Carrots? No. Yogurt? No. Apple slices? No. Piece of string cheese? No way. Cracker? Uh-uh. Counter the offer with a request for either candy or a fruit snack.

You should notice that your mom is starting to act a little funny; closing drawers a little more forcefully than normal, not being able to find a utensil (it helps if you took whatever it is she's looking for and put it in your own play kitchen), and she might be a little red in the face.

Step 5: Mom will offer you a slice of bread and butter. Take it. You have two ways to go here. One way is to take a single tiny, measly bite out of the slice of bread, claim you are full and throw it in the trash. The other way is to sit down at the table with your bread and butter and proceed to eat only the butter, not the bread (This is important: DO NOT EAT THE BREAD).

Step 6: Once your family is sitting at the table and eating the meal your mother just prepared, take one look at it and proclaim it to be "yuck." If you have dramatic tendencies, turn it up to 11; push away from the table and make a sick face, claim your tummy hurts and you can't eat dinner, cry. Also state, "I'm not eating that." It does not matter what's in front of you. It could be your favorite meal in the world (like plain spaghetti noodles with butter and Parmesan cheese). Do not eat it.

Step 6a: Another little trick I've come up with is to tell your mom that your dinner is dirty and needs to be washed off. I just did this the other night and the result was spectacular (my mom developed this cool twitching near her eye). The meal consisted of ham and peas (I call them "green drops"; it makes them sound nicer.). After following steps 1-6 of my Crazy Mommy plan I added this twist: I picked up the pieces of ham off my plate, carried them to the bathroom, rinsed them off with some water from the sink, and returned to the table. I also told my mom that I couldn't eat the peas because they "had cracks in them." Mommy's face turned a lovely shade of purple.

Step 7: Only after you've been threatened with no books before bed do you succumb to eating your dinner and then eat only the requisite number of bites (I have to eat 5 full bites of everything on my plate). Make sure you eat as slowly as possible and with great exaggeration.

Step 8: Ask for a piece of candy.

If you follow my 8 Steps to success you, too, will have a fun Crazy Mommy!


Lavender Lemonade said...

I think this plan must be innate. I've been around this block a time or two myself with A Certain 4-Year-Old Boy. :)

Quigs78 said...

This is awesome!

I'm beginning to think that the Certain 5-Year-Old Girl is having secret workshops in the area that my children have been attending unbeknownst to me.

The Fearless Freak said...

Yeah, I think we inacted steps 2 and 3 the other night. Fortuntately for my kids, they don't need all 8 steps for a crazy mom so this is much easier for them :)

Mommy, Queen Of Everything said...

I think those workshops are broadcast in subliminal messages during Yo Gabba Gabba.

Last night my son had a nightmare that I was screaming at him and had red eyes. Why do you think that is? Maybe he sees the Crazy coming on.

Jenna said...

Yea, I knew there was a secret handbook they've all been given.

Sugarmag said...

The story of my life! Except for the rinsing of ham in the bathroom, LOL. It's only a matter of time, though.

Harley Quinn said...

OMG! Brilliant!

So true. WW is the exact same way only eating the butter off bread. She hates bread and I know this, but I feel bad serving her a whole stick of butter without something for it to sit on top of. I'm sure she would like that a lot more since it would cut out her having to do all the work of licking the butter off the bread but at least it keeps her busy for a few min.

McBloggy said...

Ack! I thought I had it bad with the most stubborn child on the planet. I have a rule: Eat what I made you for dinner. I don't make something else when she wants it. If she says she won't eat it I let her down to play and she'll usually come around in an hour or so when she's hungry enough. The last couple times we've had issues she has managed to go until bedtime without giving in. I had to resort to oatmeal for dinner because I refused to give her anything that tasted given the least bit yummy. Grrr.