11 May 2009

A Week's Worth Of Years

Seven years have passed since my dad was stolen from me.

And, yes, I do mean stolen. He did not, to paraphrase Dylan Thomas, go gently into the good night. His life was taken. And certainly not gently.

Yes, that initial raw-nerve pain is still there. Most likely, it will be there for the rest of my life. And, yeah, it hurts like a mother. Sometimes it knocks the wind out of me, it's so strong. It's something I've, unwillingly, become accustomed to. Some days, it's not in the forefront of my mind. It's always there, though. Lurking. Coloring every happy moment. Tainting.

There are days like today when I look at my children and I would give almost anything to have my dad here so he could enjoy them as much as Frank and I do. He loved being a grandpa. He knew two of his grandchildren, my son and my sister's first born, for only a brief time, but anytime he saw them his face would light up and he would just marvel at their simply being there. He always had a present of some sort for them. He gave Evan Christmas presents before he was even born (to Evan these are now priceless treasures). This picture is my favorite of them together. They have the same ears. And at the time, practically the same hairstyle.

I miss his physical presence in my life so terribly. I miss his contagious giggle, his wit and wicked sense of humor (as children my sister and I would beg him to tell us jokes), his razor-sharp intelligence, his hugs (he hugged you like it would be the last time; like he was trying to concentrate all of his love for you into this one hug), his smell (a singular mixture of cherry pipe tobacco, Listerine, fresh air, dirt, vet hospital and musty basement), the way his eyes changed color from blue to grey. I miss talking with him. We shared a love of Thoreau, Emerson and Twain; British comedy (his absolute favorite was a show called 'Allo, 'Allo); Get Smart; the Marx brothers; music; food; playing 20 Questions. He could stand on his head longer than anyone I've ever known.

So I have a cry (like I'm doing right this very second).

I listen to the Beach Boys (his favorite band, other than the Kingston Trio). Pet Sounds is playing in the background.

Last night I had a slice of key lime pie from Perkins (certainly not as good as his, but it'd do in a pinch).

I may watch an episode of 'Allo, 'Allo.

I will remember.

Love you, Dad.

Miss you.


Mommy, Queen Of Everything said...

I don't know which is worse, watching someone you love slowly die or the shock of having them there one day and gone the next.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll never get used to not having my dad around anymore.

the sandwich life said...

thinking of you....

Anonymous said...

Well said,Sis. I am crying too. Everyday still hurts for the same reasons. Hugs from me.

Harley Quinn said...

Excellent post Misc.

I'm am crying my eyes out.

Your descriptions were so vivid that I feel like I can smell you father.

I think I'm going to go call my dad right now.


Kelly Mac said...

Wow. I remember when this happened. I lost my dad unexpectedly too. I know the pain of knowing your kids will never get to meet/know their grandpa. I know. Then there's the pain of "how will I explain this to them?". I know Missy. I'm so sorry.

Mrs. Chicken said...

Oh Missy.

Unhappily, I know a little how this feels. My loss was different, but also the same in some ways.

Thinking of you.

Sugarmag said...

I'm so sorry Missy. I'm thinking of you,. too.